A series of emotionally charged events brought me to the brink of tears. Feelings I thought I had dealt with. Accusations I had somersaulted over in the hope that distancing myself would bring healing.
I was wrong.
I found myself doubting my own recollections of events past. But even worse, I started doubting my own thought process, my image of self —who I thought I was.
It’s a dangerous place to be when you can’t trust your own thoughts. When you have to reach out to friends to ask what they really think about you.
It’s scary, really. I haven’t been to this place in many years. The discomfort I thought I was a master of now weighs heavy on my tongue.
Throughout these events, I experienced something that I had only understood in an intellectual way: humans remember the past differently.
You and I could go watch a movie, but what I’ll remember from that movie seldom matches what you will. Pulling it even further, what I remember from the whole experience of setting a date, picking a movie, driving to the hall, getting popcorn, watching, the people in the hall, driving back, etc — you will not remember what I remember.
We all know this at some level. But the crudest reminder is when you tell someone your side of an event you both witnessed and their recollection of the story—and you—surprise you to the point of shock. Like you both existed in different realities.
That is where I found myself for the past few days. Doubting my own reality. Trying to think of where I was, what I was thinking, what I said, how I felt, what motivated me, and more. And as you probably can tell, unless you have a photographic memory or record everything in your life into an unlimited storage hard drive, you will NEVER recall exactly what happened.
This means you cannot back up your thoughts with evidence. You’d hardly be able to prove exactly what you said unless someone else can corroborate the events or you—somehow—recorded everything.
This is how you become a villain. This is the truth I’ve had to accept.
That no matter what I recollect the past to be or the legitimacy of my actions, there’s someone out there who remembers things very differently and would never admit my intent wasn’t harmful.
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I spent a whole night thinking about this. About how emotional it all go me. How I couldn’t do anything productive because I was overwhelmed and crushed by this deep-seated feeling of doubt and hurt.
By morning, it started to dawn on me that I couldn’t handle this on my own. At least, not with the tools I had.
As time went by, I realized it was one of those battles I had to lose in order to win. At least, for my own sanity.
If this were in court, I’d probably bring up evidence and try to explain myself. But there’s a court of human nature that we can walk away from.
You don’t have to engage in every battle where your reputation is smeared and your intentions twisted.
I have a feeling you may disagree with me. And that’s fine too.
Because sometimes, I know what’s best for me and you know what’s best for you.
We; ‘re all walking this earth with limited understanding of most things, doing our best and striving to love and be loved. There’s not enough time to prove everyone wrong while trying to improve oneself.
It’s for this reason that I now have to become comfortable with knowing that someone out there thinks I’m the worse piece of carbon entity walking this earth.
I’m not okay with it. But I’m also okay without because what matters is who I know myself to be.
The events led to doubts. I started questioning myself. But the reflection brought me to a place of peace, knowing who I was and verifying this with people who don’t need me but choose to be in my life.
And if I was that villain, then I’d be a happy villain with a band of trustworthy evil minions.
Know that someone out there hates your guts and will never forgive you for something you didn’t do. Know this, and know peace.
Know better. Be better. Do better.